On January 31, 2014, I went in for my 23 week appointment, nervous but sure I was just being paranoid. I didn't even think much about it when my doctor didn't find the heartbeat right away. But after a minute or two of trying she brightly said, "Let's just go have a quick peek."
My heart sank into my stomach. The room was spinning and I thought I would be sick, but I called for the girls, "Come on; we are going to go see the baby!"
I looked at my precious Jenny. Lifeless, heart still. "Beat. Please, just flicker...." But I knew. My baby was gone. They believed that she died at 19 weeks, just after my ultrasound. I had purchased nursery bedding, started painting the nursery and touch my belly, dreaming of Jenni and all the while she was dead. dead. dead. dead. DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before I knew it, my girls had been taken to the playroom for popsicles and toys and we were talking options. Did I want to take the weekend and come in on Monday or go that night? I didn't want to do either. I wanted to go home and pretend like this visit had never happened. But I agreed to go in that night.
For the next several hours, I fumbled through the motions. There were groceries to put away, clothes to pack. I was in a nightmare that wouldn't go away. That night I went to the maternity ward. I wished that they would check one last time and miraculously she would be alive. Of course, that didn't happen.
Instead, the nurse explained the process to me. They would use tablets to open and ripen my cervix which, after 12-13 hours would put my body into labor and I would deliver Jenni, and then, hopefully the placenta within an hour or two. I was in shock. 15-24 hours before this was over, and I could end up needing a D&C? I was terrified.
But God was good in this trial. I delivered my precious Jennifer Grace at 12:40 after just 5 hours and when she come out, everything came with her all at once. I couldn't have asked for a better physical experience.
We held our precious baby, dressed in a pink knitted sleep sack, and matching hat that was just her size. She had indeed passed weeks ago, but I was so grateful to get to hold her, to see that she had my chin and long fingers and toes. We said good bye to the child we never got to meet and left the hospital with only our broken hearts small box of mementos from the hospital.
That was just two days ago. Two days ago my world got turned upside down. Two days ago, I went from planning my daughter's nursery room, to planning her cremation and funeral. I never got to meet my precious baby girl, but I will always love her. She brought our family so much joy and so much to look forward to, and now, we have a little soul in the presence of the Lord, interceding for us until we join her someday in that heavenly bliss.
In Memory of my little Jenni Grace.