After my first loss, I immediately was consumed by the desire to try again. If we conceived quickly, we could still have a baby in our arms by Christmas. I was devastated by our loss but I had complete faith that God was going to give us another baby.
After our second cycle of trying, on the day I should have started a new cycle, the day's bible passage talked about the blessing of children. I had a strong feeling that I was pregnant and a test confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. It was a sign-everything would be alright.
Throughout three months of threatened miscarriage, I trusted that God was not going to take away this child too. I trusted that, " Jenni had died so that this new child would be born."
When the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat at 17 weeks, I was concerned, but was certain that everything was going to be okay. I was sure God intended this child to be born alive and well.
When we discovered that this baby too--another little girl-- had passed, I wasn't so much sad as I was angry. I felt betrayed by God. I felt like I couldn't trust Him. I didn't understand.
But, I continued on. "Hannah's death helped us to understand what the problem was," I told myself, and my Dr. agreed. The next pregnancy we'd know what to do.
As fate would have it, we found ourselves pregnant just six short weeks after our second loss, this time, with a little boy, and again, I trusted. Trusted that this time would be different. Trusted my Docter and her advice. Trusted that God would hear my prayers and the prayers of so many of my friends and loved ones and would protect this child.
Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. My sweet little boy--the son I'd longed for for so long, the baby I'd watched grow on the U/S screen every other week--passed away just hours after my 17 week ultrasound. I know the exact moment he passed because I felt him move one last time as he passed.
This time, there was no getting around it. I felt completely abandoned by God. I'd trusted Him--three times no less--and three times He'd failed to come through for me. How could He have ignored so many prayers for my child? Why would he put me through so much pain over and over and over again? For a brief moment, I entertained the notion that either He was purposely trying to hurt me, didn't care about me or He wasn't really there in the first place and I hated Him for it.
How's that for brutally honest?
As Christians, we hear it all the time. "Trust God," and we assume--I assumed-- that means to trust that our "will" will be done. Our children will be healed, our baby will born healthy, our husband won't lose his job. But, what happens then if our child does in fact die, we miscarry, or our husband looses his job and we are financially ruined? If we trust God to protect our loved one and "he doesn't," where does that leave us??
Losing my babies showed me that I was trusting God to grant my wishes, like some kind of wish-granting genie. I trusted that God would grant that my will be done. I expected that God's will would be my will and when His plan was different than mine, I felt betrayed.
We do that, don't we?
"Trust God," we say, but we mean, " Trust that God will answer your Prayers, with a resounding, 'Yes!'"
Unfortunately, life on this broken planet doesn't work like that. Sometimes the answer is no. Perhaps it seems like every answer is no. So, what then? Can we still trust God?
It depends on what we mean. Can we trust Him to always give us what we want, to spare us from every suffering? No. Our children may die. We may get terribly sick. We may lose every earthly possession. But we CAN trust God.
We can trust...
that God will help us endure whatever trial we may suffer in this life (Phillipians 4:13; II Corinthians 12:9),
that God will not abandon us, but will reveal himself to us in powerful ways (Psalm 34:18),
That God will work everything for good (Romans 8:28),
and that He will make everything right in Heaven (Revelation 21:4).
I don't know what the future will bring. I hope by that my future includes more children, but I can't know that now. For now, I can only trust.
Trust that God will help me accept whatever plan He has for my life and He will work whatever suffering she permits in my life to work for Good.
" For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11